I’m so fucking over this. My heart won’t stop pounding. Why do I have to suffer when it comes to this? My life is great. Really. I have nothing to complain about. I feel as though, God has set me up for having high expectations. He has been beyond awesome to my family and me. I’m also trying to understand why he always uses me as an example. Always. I just can’t seem to give my son what he wants: a sibling. I feel as though my body is speaking to me. Right at this moment. The tenderness in my breasts have diminished. The heartburn is gone. Even my constipation has subsided. I’ve spent the last 2 weeks giving every last bit of my all, to ppl. Shit, the last year. Maybe I should rewind time.
I decided earlier in life, maybe my teens, that I didn’t want to have children. Not even marriage for that matter. But I don’t write my story. I got both. I fell in love with both. Being a wife and mother, make me the extra effing awesome woman I am today. Present day, I’m 8 weeks pregnant. I was pregnant this same time, 2 years ago. I hadn’t made it into my 2nd semester due to a silent miscarriage.
The night before my 8 week appointment, I feel nothing. I have a pinkish brown discharge tonight. Maybe I did too much this weekend? Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten on that plane at 7 weeks. My worst moment during this whole ordeal is going to be disappointing my husband and son. That is all my son talks about. He prays every night for a baby brother and sister. I think I’m passing it now. Last Thursday morning is when I think I lost the baby. That’s when my symptoms disappeared.
I’m sharing this, not for me, but for someone else. Just pray for my son and husband. This is my fourth miscarriage. Two before Drew and 2 after. It’s the day before his 6th birthday and I realize he is my miracle baby. This may be why God gave us him. His features, personality and heart were what I fell in love with. There are gaps within this blog because I just can’t wrap my head around this. So for that, I think I’m done for the evening.
If you love me, pray. Send great energy my way. I’m going to need it to relay this news to Dimi and Drew.
So I’ve had my doctor’s appointment. I went alone because I know my body. I didn’t want Drew to see me upset. Just as I thought, a silent miscarriage. Now that I’m home, I’ve spoken to Drew. The first thing he asked was, “How is the baby?” I ran to my bathroom and broke down. An hour later, he came in and hugged me. He told me that he can be patient and that he has a great family. A weight lifted. That’s all I needed to hear.
Monday 12:37 pm.