I know. I know. This is a disgrace to the black community, but to God be the “Glory”. I don’t cook. At all. I hate it. Dimi didn’t marry me for my cooking though. Uh hahhn. 👅 Anyway, I pick 1 holiday a year to make homemade dishes. This year, I’m making mac n cheese and dressing. Typically, I do yams. I wish I had “yams everywhere.” But I don’t. That, I can throw down on. I serve em sugar diabetes sweet. Years ago, my Granny failed tremendously at CrockPot Macaroni. That was the only macaroni we had to eat too. Never will I attempt that nasty mess. Still love you lady.
Dressing has become easier for me as well. I hate making cornbread though, so Dimi has been on cornbread duty for 5 years now. Earlier today, in the grocery store, he tried to put Stove Top Stuffing in the basket. Nah player. We don’t do Stove Top. He’d also like apple pie with his holiday meal. No. You see what happened when I asked him to grab the rolls. What are those? These aren’t the kind of rolls I buy. They better be good too.
There are a few things, I’d like to do before getting started cooking. I won’t eat from anybody’s nasty kitchen. Please mop your floors, clean your counter tops and wipe down your sink. Nobody wants roaches in their food. Ewww and if I see a pube… Don’t be licking the cake spoon either. That’s nasty when you’re sharing. I’ll even go as far to use Sharpies to initial my red cup to keep the bump bump out of my life. I just mopped. I’m just staring at this food hoping it will make itself. Oh well.
I seem to get distracted with cooking. It’s such a waste. You’re no longer hungry by the time dinner is complete. I hate, hate washing dishes. I hate loading the dishwasher. Thanks mama and daddy (for years of penitentiary style living). I can’t wait for Drew to start doing the dishes. Not to mention, I hate the way the house smells while food is cooking. Fried anything will have me spraying Odoban throughout the house. Curtains, furniture and walls can get it. Before we start boiling water, I spray my house with these and candle light each room. They are my favorite scents of all time.
I will say that is one pretty oven though. That thing gets no play in these streets. I’m lying. I can bake the shit out of some cookies and biscuits. Don’t mind my husband in the frame. He blocks my life on a daily basis. We never know what to cook (cue the cookbook to the right).
Back to cooking. I sure hope like hell, these spices will get me through. I hope they make the dressing jingle. We use Jiffy. Do you use Jiffy for your dressing? I’m so jolly right now. I’m currently listening to A Few Good Men Christmas station on Pandora. We never make our own turkey or ham. We always order our turkeys from Greenberg Smoking Turkey, inc. You’re welcome. It’ll change ya life. Thank me later.
I do have a plan for these Sweet Potatoes and Collard greens. I’ll be adding my twist to them. Brown Sugar baby, cinnamon and butter will be added to the yams. Y’all, my mama just schooled me on the difference between butter and spread. Please, blame her for my failed attempt at cooking. I may add Drew’s sticky ass marshmallows to the mix. Vinegar and bouillon cubes will be added to the greens. They won’t taste completely like grass.
Oh, and it ain’t a holiday dinner without the cranberry sauce. You don’t need dressing for it either. Slop it on some rolls.
That random wine bottle you see there, that was left by my wino girlfriends… That’s some nasty stuff, but I may need to hit that. Red wine doesn’t do anything for me. I am in Frisco now. And these moms do be drankin’.
Sigh, see my family doing their own thing, while I slave over the stove with these canned goods. If you don’t want a woman getting musty over the food, come to dinner with the Kings. If this meal fails us, we’ll have our asses at Slim Chickens. That shit is bomb as hell. I may run up there and grab dessert for tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours! Don’t suck the fun out of the holidays for others! Be bright! Be great!