of my fast began today. This is my second time fasting. Honestly, I’m failing but I won’t give up. As a church, we’ve done things differently or at least this is what I took from it. The first week was strict. Fruit, veggies and whole grains. The second week, we only had $40 to spend as a family on food, but we donated $40 to feed a family of 5 for a month. That put my life into perspective. In other words, we could eat what was in the house. This last week we’re to fast from technology for so many hours. Unless it has to do with business.
Week 1, I was solid as a rock. Week 2 was a struggle. We started in Temple. Although I continued to pray, I fell short on the fasting side. I took it as – if I didn’t spend any of the $40 it was ok. So I had my favorite Starbucks drink. Then Canes chicken. Then Girl Scout cookies. Sigh. Once we got back to Dallas, I was ok, but we ate the most random meals. Whatever was in the house to eat. We spent $41 by the end of Saturday. We eat out everyday so this was really good. Small gains. I was able to keep praying because I had a purpose. My initial focus shifted. From my business entirely to my brother. I’m proud of me though because I prayed out loud. Many times. With my family. At one point, the X-ray guy was praying with the 3 of us. When I’m home, I go to my closet. I’d been in bed and asleep before 11. Up at 4am. Like clockwork. I see that time as God needing His time with me. I get up and pray.
Today starts week 3. I’m too busy focusing on the last fast and the progress I had that my vision is no longer clear. Clarity is what I’m seeking. Last year was great for me. I knew exactly what I wanted. This year, I want to be pushed, no, placed in the right direction. Too much inspiration is no good for me. I write down every thought. I will execute them all. At some point. My heart is sending me away from weddings. But something else has been placed on my heart. With weddings.
I’m failing because I’m hard on myself. I’m failing because I could devote more time to prayer. I’m failing because I’m not doing it the way I did it last year. I’m failing because by week 3, I still don’t know what it is He wants from me. So I thought…
Seeking the same outcome is not the resolve. I’m just taking a different route toward what matters. I should have learned that with this last D&C. How can I have clarity for my life when I expect the same thing? Much soul searching has taken place over the past few weeks. God is going to grace me with so much more. Speaking keeps coming back to me. Why? I’m not sure just yet.
The best thing I’ve done this year is journal. The absolute best. I thank my friend for getting me one. It too, helps with my clarity. My vision. I prayed for forgiveness today. For not seeing this fast through the way “I should”. Every time I read my daily word, He reassures me #alternativesfacts and that I’m forgiven and not to sweat what I think I’m doing wrong.
He’s not done with me.